A little self-analysis.

We were asked to journal about two questions for the start of "official" classes tomorrow (woohoo!).  I'm including my response in this blog because, well, I'm kinda too lazy to write it all over again, and this summarizes how I've been doing lately.  So... here goes.

1.  Describe how you are feeling in your different roles here in Romania? What is it like being a guest? A student? A foreigner? What other roles are you experiencing here?
 
2. Thus far what are attractive characteristics of Romanian culture to you personally and what characteristics are more challenging?

To answer the first question, I first need to figure out what roles I find myself playing here.  (I have the nagging suspicion that naming them and examining them will help me to live them out better, or at least that's my hope.)  I'm currently alone in my host family's house, using the internet only because they're not at home, and marveling at how much more "myself" I feel right now, listening to my own music and openly doing my own thing.  Though my host mom tells me that this is my home and I'm welcome to do whatever I want, I'm still not sure how to fit into my role here.  I often do still feel like a guest.  That's not anyone's fault--my host family has been friendly and hospitable and taken care of me willingly, providing me with my own space (at a high cost to themselves; I take up a whole one of their home's three rooms).  I no longer feel guilty about that--I understand that they wanted me to live with them, and that I'm not really an "inconvenience."  But I do still feel some sort of obligation to them--an obligation to live tidily and in as small of a space as possible, to be helpful in any way I can, to speak Romanian as often as I can figure it out, to go to bed around when they do and not rattle their daily routines, to play outside with my host sister whenever we're both around, etc.  Most of those things are fine; they're the way I would live as a good neighbor to anyone.  I'm still trying to negotiate how to get to know them better, how to work running into my schedule without taking over the shower at an inconvenient time, and how to spend time with Mădălina in ways that don't just involve hours and hours of kickball.  (I do love kickball, but [to be terribly blunt] eventually I'd rather read.)  Overall, it's a really good situation.  I will gladly take the recent, surprising twinges of homesickness for my own family and the ease with which I fit in there in exchange for this opportunity to learn about life in Romania and about myself.

I suppose I'm also in the role of student, though I haven't really felt like it much yet.  I'm really looking forward to starting classes tomorrow.  I am a bit of a nerd (maybe more than a bit) and really love learning, in a traditional school setting especially, so it will be nice to reconnect with the reading&writing&homework-doing side of my personality.  It would be foolish to say I haven't been learning, though--the last four weeks have been full of the study of Romanian culture and of myself, with some big realizations about each.  But I am excited to formalize and put words to some of that.

As a foreigner... wow, weird.  I haven't thought about that one at all.  I certainly feel like I'm in a foreign place, and walking around Lupeni with our huge backpacks on made me feel like a highly-noticeable tourist (ugh, how I hate that feeling...) but overall, life on the farm has felt simply unfamiliar.  Not necessarily foreign.  (Minus the fact that Grandpa continuously laughs at me while saying something about America... but since he only speaks Romanian and chortles so jovially in his suspenders and bowler hat, I have to forgive him.) 

The final role I can identify for myself right now is one that can't be summed up in one tidy label.  It has to do with how I'm relating to people back home.  I've been a bit homesick this weekend, since coming home from Retezat (or maybe the Retezat felt like home and I was just sorry to leave). I had thought that I was immune to that uncomfortable feeling since I've been away from home so much, but apparently not.  I suppose that's a healthy thing, the physical longing for people whom you love, and I've learned what I need to do to deal with it.  (Bible and journal and endorphins, yes; facebook, no.)  Regardless, it's been an interesting balance.  Last year, I felt so rooted at Calvin and in Grand Rapids.  Now the thought of that "home" fills me with longing to go back and re-enter that community, but I also know that when I eventually do, nothing will be the same.  Life means change.  And that's okay.  Just a little daunting sometimes... at least until I remember that the One who never changes is with me everywhere.  There is comfort in that.  And in Him, I better learn how to balance the multiple parts of my life, the many people I love in places all over the world.

I suppose I should move on and answer the second question...

I don't feel like I fully understand Romanian culture yet.  From what I've observed in my homestay, I love the simplicity of life--yet I know that's not inherently "Romanian," that in big cities there are people who live wasteful and technologically-absorbed lives just like in any city around the world, etc.  However, throwing that aside, I'll embrace the rural agrarian lifestyle and call that the part of Romanian culture I personally am loving most.  I also have to admit that I really enjoy the important role of food... and not just in the silly fact that I like to eat.  (Though that's certainly true!)  I love food's centrality to cultures.  I love how meals serve as a universal meeting place, a place where people always gather together to talk and love and be filled.  I love the real, nitty-gritty, physicality of the Eucharist, and how the bread is essential to us both physically and spiritually... on and on.  All of that to say, I guess, that I appreciate cultures that embrace eating and express love through food.  I think there's something really wholesome about that.

But as for the things that have been challenging here, I'm not sure whether to attribute them to Romanian culture or something else.  For example, I find it difficult to connect to my host mom (the only English speaker in the family) on any sort of "deeper" level than simple stories; however, I think that's due to personality and the language barrier more than anything else.  (Though, I suppose, personality is partly a product of culture...)  The cultural acknowledgment of (and seeming apathy towards) corruption is hard for me to wrap my mind around; however, it's still mostly theoretical for me.  I don't live in town, so I don't see it in the same way as someone who lives across the street from the mayor does.  I want to understand it better--I tried to talk to my host mom about voting and corruption last night, but it didn't last long.  I'll keep trying.