I want to see.

It’s been a rough afternoon.  This week has been a good one—full, eventful, busy, and happy.  But today, for some reason, I’ve been in a deep funk.  The weather wasn’t helping: rain and dark clouds have kept me inside for most of the day, except for a hike down the mountain into town this morning to buy bread for my family and study Romanian for a while at the Impact building.  But once I came home I was just… gloomy.  Most of the time I’m pretty happy here.  Some days, though, I’m not.  Sometimes the despair of the Jiu Valley’s history seems to permeate the fog, and I can’t help but breathe it in and feel hopelessly far from home and from everyone I love.  Those days are lonely and hard.  Life here is hard.  It’s Good, and I am still confident that it’s where I’m supposed to be, but on days when the light is dim, it’s hard not to doubt.

But I’ve grown better at dealing with depressing days.  Today, mid-afternoon, I gave up on sitting inside and decided to go running.  (Endorphins help.)  And though I cried while I ran, and stopped and sat for a long time to talk out loud to God and stare out across the valley, it was cathartic.  And then guess what?  I came home and decided to look up what verses I’d put in the card for my apartment-mates this week.  (I wrote a card for every week I’m in Romania and sent them to my roommates to open while I’m gone, so we can all be thinking about the same passages in Scripture each week.)  And here is what it was, from Luke 18:35-42:

As Jesus approached Jericho, a blind man was sitting by the roadside begging.  When he heard the crowd going by, he asked what was happening.  They told him, “Jesus of Nazareth is passing by.”

He called out, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”

Those who led the way rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”

Jesus stopped and ordered the man to be brought to him.  When he came near, Jesus asked him, “What do you want me to do for you?”

“Lord, I want to see,” he replied.

Jesus said to him, “Receive your sight; your faith has healed you.”  Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus, praising God.  When all the people saw it, they also praised God.

I’ve been praying to see God here.  Some days I do; some days I don’t.  But as I read this story, I was encouraged to keep crying out for mercy.  On the days when it’s bleak and I can’t see anything at all, I’ll keep crying out for mercy and for the eyes to see God.  And I’ll trust in the end of the story.